I finally figured out why the end of this “relationship” hurts so much. Looking back over my life I’ve said I was in love several times. In reality, I’ve only been twice, and this was the 2nd. The first guy- who magically i’m still friends with- and I never had a label , but the situation between us was rife for me to develop feelings for him. He taught me chess, read me poetry, we had great sex, better conversation, he was/is so intelligent and warm… he even took me to his parents house to meet them. When he found out the next day that I really had feelings for him, it was over in an instant, and it took me … well, actually some part of me still isn’t over that. I truly loved him & if he ever needed anything from me to this day I’d be there. Obviously not in our old way as he’s now happily married, but as a friend. He was always a good friend.
This heartbreak is similar. I found myself praying nightly for this guy. Not praying that I would “get” him mind you, but praying that he gets the desires of his heart within God’s will even if they didn’t include me. I considered asking if I could do free PR/publicist work for his band because making it as a musician is his dream and I wanted to help him get that dream. I went to a 1Corinthians 13 love place with this guy. It was the first time since the guy above that I was truly willing to play back up and had no real selfish motive (other than being in a happy relationship with someone I consider amazing). I wanted nothing more than to make both of these people happy and be in their lives yet I ended up crushed.
In my only “real” relationship that lasted 2 years, none of the above really applied. It was a self destructive, selfish relationship. I cared more about my own happiness than his for sure- mostly due to being hurt so many times previously. In the two years I spent with him, I never felt an iota of what I felt for guy 1 or this current guy. I maybe prayed for him once. I didn’t feel the intellectual or interest connection, but I stayed around anyway. Maybe this is karma- though in reality, with my man history, Karma owes me Lenny Kravitz/Slash/Robbie Williams clone. LOL
I think I’m done with love and men. I literally barely survived guy 1, the “real” relationship landed me in the hospital for weeks after a suicide attempt & guy 2? Well, like childbirth, heartbreak can’t be prepared for. It hurts as much (if not worse) the 10th time as the first. I won’t survive another one and I know it.
